I have not been on this blog for so long.

Which means that I am way, way, way overdue for a long, misunderstood text post.

So… I don’t know what direction this text post will take as I have so much to say… or at least I think I do…? I’ve got so many thoughts, but I just don’t know how to get them out and have them sound logical…

Alright, might as well start with the thing that’s taking up my thoughts the most at the moment: Those memories of 2010. So, I often browse through my ‘2010’ folder of photos. I know it’s pointless to look to the past for happiness, but 2010 was such an incredible year for me… I’d moved to a different group at school which opened up many opportunities for me, I went to lots of parties and I was at a lower weight. Almost every weekend would be spent with the most important people at my life at that time in my life: Nicki, Dave and Shayne. I also met Sarah Shipton that year who proved to have such a significant impact on me. Oh and of course Matt Trenorden, who I still hold very closely to my heart, bless his soul.

So why is it so painful to recall those memories?

Because…
The group that I moved to ended up falling apart less than a year after I moved to it. I am now left with two very amazing people, Emma Dawson and Gerard Marrone who make me happier than anyone else at school and are the only people I truly think will still be in touch after high school. The parties from 2010, they were great… I went through this burst of ‘popularity’ and it felt good to be invited to big social things, but now… I just… I don’t care. I mean I still enjoy a good party, but I’d much rather prefer to just have a couple of drinks with close friends or family (although I must admit… 18th’s are great fun). I think I was at my lowest weight since primary school in 2010 and although I don’t remember being proud of myself then, I feel regret now for letting myself put on so much weight unconsciously up until this point. Oh… Nicki, Shayne and Dave. A quick summary of my friendships with those incredible people now. Nicki: For a good 6 months we didn’t talk or see each other at all, but that ended eventually and we now make sure we catch up at least once every two months which is lovely. Whenever we do catch up it’s just like old times. Shayne: It is May 2012… the last time I saw him was sometime in 2011, too long to recall when it was. He was the closest person in my life, so it’s still pretty painful without him. Anyway, I’ve tried to keep in contact over the past 5 months, but understandably he has a completely different life now and I understand that, so over this year I think he has spoken to me two or three times. Painful memories. Dave: Such an amazing person. I still see Dave every month or so and we still remain in contact every week. Out of all the people I know, he is the one who has NEVER let me down. Ever. And Sarah Shipton, when I met her I was so nervous… Shayne told me constantly how amazing she was. I really, truly miss her and the friendship we had. Losing Shayne and losing Sarah has been hard. Matt: I just adore you. You never fail to make my day, never. We still remain in contact all the time. Thank goodness I had the privilege of meeting you.

Next: School.

I hate it. I hate year 12. I hate it all.
What I hate most is that I’m not coping. The reason I’m not coping is because I didn’t expect to not cope… if that makes sense? I always thought that Year 12 would be a breeze for me and I wouldn’t struggle like everyone else. I hate admitting to the fact that I’m struggling. I hate that I hate school because until this year… I loved school. I loved everything. Now I struggle to go to school everyday. God… I have had that many meltdowns over the past two months that I am actually going to see a psychologist on Monday afternoon AND I have to take these anti-depressant tablets AND my hair is falling out. It’s really awful. I can’t wait for this year to be over. I know, I know… I’ll look back and miss it, but for right now… I hate it.

Next: Love.

I’ve never, ever thought I actually ‘loved’ someone and I know for a fact that I have never been ‘in love’. I wish I could fall in love though. I’m sick of ‘liking’ people and wasting so much time and tears over them. Sex and cuddles would be nice also.

Someday I’ll fly away, leave all this to yesterday.

This post may be a little jumbled…

I’m finally discovering who I actually like to be around. It’s a weird feeling and I don’t know how to handle it. 

Don’t get me wrong I do adore (most of) the people that I have hung around with in the past, but just recently I’m starting to truly understand who and what makes me happy.

I think as a teenager you either have to be classed as a ‘nerd’ or a ‘popular kid’ and there isn’t really any in between, although I suppose there is the label of ‘outcast’. I’ve never really known where I fit in and still struggle to work it out. I’ve tried so hard in the past to impress people and be like everyone else - throw parties and invite people I didn’t know or like, wear outfits which were highly inappropriate, said and did things I really didn’t actually want to do… and now I think I’m finally at the stage where I just don’t care. Or I at least don’t want to care. There are so many people that are in my life at the moment which would be disgraced to know that I don’t enjoy the things they enjoy. I enjoy gatherings. Close, intimate and chilled. And hey, guess what, I don’t care what sort of ‘stereotypes’ are there. I truly believe I’m pretty genuine - what you see is what you get. I won’t treat anyone in a particular way.

I love hanging around with males. Majority of the females I know are just ridiculous and are no where near as fun as males. My two closest friends are both males and every moment spent with them is just hilarious. I love them so much and am so thankful to have their company.

Not just those boys though. I love hanging around with everyone. I love just sitting around with the lads listening to them rant on about the craziest of things, having a smoke - I love it all.

Life is a beauty.

Oh Emilie, thank you so very much! Such lovely things you’ve said.
I have so much respect for you, dear. You’re a very mature, well-mannered girl and I’m glad I can call you a friend :)
I’ll keep in mind what you’ve said when I’m feeling down.
Love love love! 

Wish my toe would hurry up and get better! I just want to go back to gym already. 

I hate to complain, but

It would be nice to be first preference for once. For someone to pick me over the girl next to me. It’s such a shitty thing being unattractive.

NEED TO FUCKING LOSE WEIGHT SO I CAN BE A) HEALTHY B) HAPPY C) ATTRACTIVE D) APPROACHABLE.

So fucking sick of myself. I hate all that I see in the mirror. I love all that I feel on the inside though, I love my personality. Ironic, huh? The fat girl has a nice personality.

I want to feel wanted for all that I am. Shitty fucking feeling when I’m used simply because I’m female and have a vagina.

SO fucking sick of me.

WHY?! Why can’t I have the power to do it? The self-motivation?! I just… I try… but it’s just never good enough…